Introduction to Blog

Welcome and thank you for being here and participating in our mindful moment. Of course your experience may vary.; what we hope for everyone is serenity and peace of mind. One way, we Teresa and I, promote the concept of mindfulness is compassion. What compassion is about, to me, is a new meaning for Love.  We all know and understand what love is all about, right? Or do we have a limited view, as limited as our vision of God.  I will mention God and Love freely throughout my blog, yet do not be confused.  I am merely connecting an element of compassion to the Big Picture of God’s Will for us.

A dialect approach will be used throughout this blog.  ‘Dialectic’ means I don’t have an exact right way of defining a concept or an idea.  Thinking dialectically implies contemplating an approach of “how much do I identify and relate. to this topic”  Or rather, on a continuum basis, how much does this resonate inside me and my heart?

Another way of pondering a dialectic is through paradoxical thinking.  These concepts are not black and white.  More like a “both/and” than an “either/or.”  “Di” means two and “lectic” means from side to side or beginning to end.  Therefore, a continuum approach is useful (i.e. from 1 to 10).  How much does this belief apply to me?

The intended purpose of preparing you, the reader, for how I, the writer, will communicate; is to help you become more contemplative when pondering the nature of compassion.  A contemplative heart lives in the middle and outside paradox.  “There is a field beyond right and wrong, I will meet you there,” ~Rumi~

Alanon and the three A's

Alanon is a 12 Step Program that supports recovery for the family and friends of addicts and alcoholics.

Awareness

Mindfulness and mindful meditation raise awareness. Another name for awareness is new perception or higher consciousness. This idea of a new awareness implies a higher level of reasoning in regard to both rational and emotional reasoning. From the first encounter, Alanon encourages becoming more aware,

In Alanon there are many “aha” moments, resulting in consciousness raising. Supposedly, Albert Einstein said, “One cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it.” The practice of mindfulness is a higher level of thinking or a higher level of awareness. Mindfully, we can promote a new paradigm, an improved pattern of thought.

The paradigm shift required for mental/emotional/spiritual well-being, is a practice or process well worth the effort. In Alanon and other recovery (12 Step) practices the new awareness is that “changed attitudes can aid recovery,” which leads us directly to action. A consultant aids recovery efforts by raising awareness therefore prompting change.

Action

Recovery is an active developmental process. A coach is helpful when a new member begins practicing the 12 steps mindfully. After awakening to the reality that dysfunction, or disease, is beyond our control and that you did not cause the dysfunction, a new member becomes open and willing to process the new awareness that precipitated the action.

Breaking denial is a term used by treatment professionals in the past. We now call it raising consciousness. In principle, this naturally leads to action or positive movement towards healthier behavior. A coach motivates movement through the 12 Steps. The first three steps promote willingness and openness by helping an individual surrender to the new awareness, “without help it is too much for us.”

With consultation (seeing a problem with a new more accurate perception) a new member begins to actively take inventory of the behavior(s) that support the problem. Steps 4 through 7 actively encourage an individual to explore the past and process how and why the dysfunction developed. Coaching motivates one to become ready to extinguish the flame that fuels the disease. Moving forward, the counselor steps in to complete the step work process through right action toward amends and maintenance of new behavior.

Acceptance

Compassion and empathy are often missing when one practices dysfunction. This is especially true concerning mental/emotional illness. Having moved through Steps 1, 2 and 3 (surrender) and 4 through 6 (inventory and readiness) we arrive at Steps 8 and 9 (amends). We build empathy, towards those people we have harmed, by working Steps 1 through 7.

 With counseling we receive guidance how to proceed towards amends. Asking for forgiveness is a difficult endeavor, we need support. “Without help it is too much for us,” is a quote from chapter five of A.A.’s textbook. A counselor aids the individual by processing the inventory (steps 4 through 7). The development of acceptance of the past mistakes gives the individual courage to ask for forgiveness (amends) and compassion for the suffering both caused and endured.

Mindfulness promotes awareness. Recovery motivates action and compassion develops empathy and courage to continue toward Steps 10, 11 and 12. Consulting raises consciousness, coaching prompts changing behaviors and counseling helps prevent recidivism. Maintenance prevents the wheels coming off the train of recovery.  

Discernment and Judgement

I have been examining the ideas of discernment and judgement as they relate to mindfulness and serenity. The reason I decided to write about this is the difference is important to understand. I looked both up in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary. The word judgement has come up a lot in conversation this week. We make judgments about how to live in this challenging time. Judgement is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the process of forming an opinion or estimate”, synonyms are: sense or common sense. This seems to be solid ground and a good way to move forward. Yet, for me, the word judgement also implies that the matter has been settled and no further information or inquiry is needed. When we were looking at which car to buy and then purchased our car, we made a judgement, formed our opinion and made our selection. After the purchase, we were done, it was complete.

Discernment not used as often. Discernment is defined as “…the ability to notice the fine-point details or the ability to understand and comprehend”. This implies an ongoing process, a lively process, a journey even. It’s not a discrete event, but rather an ongoing evaluation and re-evaluation, with more information or experience. We often hear the phrase, “Use your own judgement”. A better phrase might be consider the following. This implies detailed considered thought, not a one-time decision.

How does this relate to mindfulness? I am so glad you asked! A mindfulness practice keeps you firmly centered in the now of life, not thinking about something else, but paying attention to what is happening in the present moment. Briefly, this is now it works: practice meditation ten minutes a day. For those ten minutes, practice becoming aware of your thoughts, allow them to pass by like clouds. Pay attention to your breathing, let your breath be the anchor that brings you back to the present moment. There are free apps such as Insight Timer that offers timers and guided meditations. Here is the benefit, as you learn to observe your thoughts, you understand that you are not your thoughts. Your brain will begin to allow time before reacting, giving you time to respond.

Why is this important? In the sometimes politically and emotionally charged times we live in, this will allow time to articulate a compassionate response rather than an emotional knee-jerk reaction, not if but when something comes up. Discernment requires some time to examine the fine details before a response. It is so easy to become emotionally attached to our opinions and beliefs that if something comes along that challenges or is seen as a threat, a gut level reaction can happen. Mindfulness and meditation create that split-second space that gradually grows wider, making room for a truly well-reasoned response, not an over wrought emotional reaction.

Some might argue that meditation is navel-gazing. Nothing is further from the truth. The practice of regular meditation is rigorous and requires discipline. Imagine committing to sitting quietly for ten minutes each day, no phone, no tv, computer or any other distraction. Could you do it? Imagine seeing your thoughts as clouds that drift by and gradually being more in the driver’s, less at the whim of what ever thought your brain comes up with. The brain thinks thoughts like the heart beats, the lungs breathe, and the stomach digests. That is its purpose. We can control our breathing and some even their hearts. We all have some control when we choose to eat. We do not simply grab the nearest food item when our stomach growls, and most of us are able to hold our breath for a short time. Imagine the calm of allowing some thoughts to simply pass by. A driver cuts in front of your car, an angry thought bursts in, but you will not take the bait, instead, you think well,’ it’s really not a big deal’ and move on with the day. Instead of wallowing in anger and creating a resentment, you move onto the next thing and your day is calm, peaceful. Before you know it, your inner world has peace and serenity despite the chaos outside. You can navigate this current situation with some sense of ease and safety, making better choices and decisions, using discernment. This ability to stay calm and think clearly might help you avoid disaster. One man who survived a fiery airplane crash credited his long-time meditation practice. His foot caught on a seat as he struggled to exit. The smoke was building and the flames racing towards him. Because he was able to respond, not react and panic, he moved his foot and got to safety. He was certain if he had not been able to think clearly in that moment, he would have perished.

Imagine being able to set aside your thoughts at the end of the day and relax into restful sleep. Or instead of endlessly thinking about things that you have no control over, you are able to calm you thoughts and be fully present in the moment, enjoying beauty and not missing all the blessings that are right there for you.  Consider beginning a meditation practice, commit to just ten minutes a day for a week and see what happens. You may notice that you move from judgement into discernment.

 

Life is not always fair

Life is not always fair

16 “So those who are last will be first. And those who are first will be last.”

Matthew 20 (vs. 1-16)

The story of the landowner in the Bible is a parable that clearly illustrates the concept “Life is not always fair.” Above, verse 16 is the punch line of the parable. The workers who were hired last were paid the same as those who worked all day! Life is not always fair means God is in charge and… I may not understand what is going on?

In our culture, the idea of fairness is held in very high esteem, indeed!  If we were to hire somebody in the morning, and agree to the wage, then hire somebody else later in the day, pay them both the same wages, the first person might turn around and sue us! Truly, a person has a perfect right to pay whatever the market will bear, correct? Yet so many people would feel such injustice with this scenario that if it happened often… there might be a riot.

God is in charge! God wants me to accept His Will for me without question. Surrender is the answer to this dilemma. I need to accept that God (the landowner or the employer) can be generous to those hired after me even though He was not generous to me! In this case, he still paid what we agreed upon which ultimately is fair!  So where does the unfairness come from? I feel mistreated when I compare myself with those hired after me. The problem is the comparison (our judgment)!

Tough love is what it is called. The second verse of the serenity prayer, “…to accept the things I cannot change…” requires us to discern our powerlessness. Tough love is both difficult to accept and to administer to those who don’t understand your intention.  Another example of God’s Wisdom in action is the story of the Prodigal Son.  Luke 15 verses 11-32 describe the story of the son who was lost and returns.  Several lessons are embedded in this parable yet it is the older son who represents most of us.

31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad...’”

Do you relate to the older brother? Do you get the message? Do you accept or resent that someone less deserving (than you) gets a big break?  What is it that makes us think, feel and behave in a way that one might describe as ungracious? Rather than analyze dysfunction let us promote the solution. Compassion and non-judgment are positive attributes that will help us accept our need for gratitude. Discerning God’s Wisdom will satisfy our craving for fairness.

Lastly, in Mathew 5 verse 5, “Blessed are the meek…” and you know the rest!

 

Plan B is about Resilience

Plan B is About Resilience

“Things do not always go according to plan,” is the second of the five things we cannot change. “Life is about how we deal with Plan B;” source unknown.  This is an awesome reply to the concept of things not going according to plan. Are you flexible enough to prepare for your plans not working out?  To me, this is a challenge to be clever and resourceful enough to make lemonade when we are dealt lemons.

esilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity.  More specifically to be resilient is to have the mental/emotional/spiritual skillfulness, to work out a solution when your expectations are defeated.  I can think of many examples in my work as a counselor.  In fact, Plan B is like a “do over,” or another chance, or a new life, or a better way, or the end of my attachment to an outcome.

t this time, I would like to insert the idea of Mystery.  An old adage of Alcoholics Anonymous is, “If you want to hear God laugh…tell Him your plans.”  The third step of the twelve steps suggests that we “…turn our will and our life over to the care of God…”  I used to think this means that God has a plan for me, however; today I prefer to interpret this as my willingness to seek out what God’s intention is…for me, for my life.  Simply put, if I turn my thinking/planning (will) over to God and my action (life) over to caring then Plan B may be far better than Plan A.

he challenge here, is that our best thinking (planning) may be flawed, in fact, I recommend to all my patients that they challenge their thinking.  Consider the source, are your thoughts (plans) ego driven?  Oftentimes the Mysterious reply to my plan is far superior to what I imagined.  Planning is a controlling way to deal with anxiety.  My experience is that the most anxious people are the most controlling and expect theirplan to become your plan.

”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6). In conclusion, accepting that God is in charge, accepting that planning is appropriate with limits, accepting that resilience is embracing Plan B, these are the blessings of prayer and meditation.  An attitude of gratitude will insure that God’s healing wisdom will allow mistakes to be made and forgiveness will surely follow.

 

 

Everything Changes

“Everything changes and ends,”

is the first of the five things we cannot change.  Acceptance (remember the serenity prayer) of the five things we cannot change is implied in the word embracing. Everything changes and ends, is the first of the five things we need to accept and embrace.  For the sake of definition let us look at the opposite!  Nothing ever changes and things go on and on and on!

Of course that seems ridiculous.  Yet we resist change and often times we wish things were like the “good ol’ days.”  We wish that certain facts of life would never come to an end. Like our favorite television show, or a furniture store where we bought our first sofa, or a product at the grocery store discontinued due to a lack of demand.

All and any of these types of events annoy us or make us demanding and entitled.  “Back-in-the-day” is a figure of speech that links us to what was positive and/or meaningful in our lives. Yet we cling to these events and “should” on today or the present moment.  What is implied is, “Today would be better if it was like the past.”  Again, this comparing spoils our present moments.  The now is corrupted with our expectations and desires.

Dr. David Richo states, “Although everything changes and ends, things renew themselves and move through cycles that further evolution.”  We resist change and we become anxious partly because we are attached to a behavior or lifestyle that no longer serves us well.  In my practice as a counselor, the healthiest and most resilient patients are the ones who are willing and open (flexible) to examine old beliefs and insert new ones that serve them better.

Ultimately, it is our ability to adapt and accept change that allows us to be mentally and emotionally healthy. Rigidity is the opposite of flexibility.  Rigidity is synonymous with stubborn and stuck. Acceptance is not resignation it is surrendering to the noble truth that nothing lasts forever on this earth except Love.  

From John 14; v. 1-3: “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”

This quote from Jesus implies heaven as a place of many rooms.  Many rooms can be construed as options or choice. Do not allow a troubled heart to impair your ability to choose. Serenity and acceptance quiets a troubled heart. We are more resilient when we allow changes (happenings) to end an era (time-of-our-life) or a relationship or loss. Mindfulness and connection will bring us the comfort and support we crave; to move on, get through and let go.

 

Introduction to "Change We Can"

Welcome to the booklet called Change We Can.  What you will learn, hopefully, will be More than you thought.  “More will be revealed” implies that as you read and ponder these concepts of change, filter them through the lens of the serenity prayer and contemplate what this means.  Contemplation means to meditate on the concepts of acceptance, courage and wisdom.  Intuitive knowing will naturally result as we ponder the concepts put forward by the "Five things we cannot change by David Richo."  

The primary intention of this thesis is Compassion.  To explain this, let’s use the metaphor of an operating system on a computer.  Most people seem to use Windows and there are many versions of this, as some of us know too well.  Never-the-less, an operating system is essential to help the computer function; this is like an “orientation.”  There are programs that operate on this system.  A program like Word or Works helps us write down our thoughts electronically (i.e. word processor).

Think of the serenity prayer (or any slogan or motto you prefer) as our operating system.  "Acceptance, courage and wisdom" (key words of the serenity prayer) is an operating system and Compassion is the program that we use to help with our word processing or any task for that matter.  Compassion, as an orientation, is the lens through which we see the world.  This is a simple approach for relating.  It sounds simple yet we tend to complicate matters by intellectualizing and letting our ego (easing God out) make it into a really big deal (i.e. difficult).

Let me indulge one more metaphor; think of “sin” as a virus.  Most everyone knows how a virus can destroy a computer operating system.  Therefore, we have virus protection.  Think of Compassionate Communication as virus protection.  When we run our program of Compassion we are protected from the evil virus and we put up a firewall that keeps us safe.  

My request of you is: please use your new "eye-glasses" of serenity and compassion as you ponder the "Five things we cannot change" (and the happiness we find by embracing them).  Mindfully explore the concepts while reflecting whole heartedly, how we can integrate them into our lives. As Muhatma Ghandi said, "Be the change in the world that you want."

 David Richo Ph.D., a psychotherapist, has written a book called Five Things We Cannot Change, copywrite 2006 (and the happiness we find by embracing them.) Those five things are: “Everything changes and ends; things do not always go according to plan; life is not always fair; pain (suffering) is part of life; and people are not loving and loyal all the time.”